


Three Is Not A Crowd

by HK44



Series: Paladin Get Together [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Agender Character, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, F/M, M/M, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Threesome - F/M/M, Vaginal Sex, author died writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:51:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7898674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HK44/pseuds/HK44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt his face heat up, pressed his hand to the back of his head and gazed studiously at the wall. “Do you, Pidge, want to. Bang. With me. And- and Hunk.”</p><p>Her eyes flickered and she gazed studiously at the ground. “Um, sure. Sounds good.”</p><p>Whoever said three was a crowd, was a fucking idiot.</p><p>(Pidge is 18)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Is Not A Crowd

**Author's Note:**

> Okay in this, Pidge uses she/her pronouns but I still consider her agender. I also have no idea what happened with the whole age debate but before the age debacle occurred, I just assumed the space children were all the same age, except my headcanon was that their birthdays occurred in order from smallest to tallest so Hunk's the youngest (born in December) and Pidge's older (born in February).
> 
> Either way, she's 18 in this and will be in literally everything I write her in.

"Call it woman's intuition," Pidge joked and everyone laughed, relaxed and adrenaline spiked high.

And then it hit him.

"WAIT!" Lance swung his lion in Pidge's direction. "IS THAT WHY YOU SAID NO?"

"What?" Pidge said, faintly, just as Hunk hissed, "Now is not the time, Lance."

Lance ignored him because now was exactly the time. "BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT US TO FIND OUT YOU WERE A GIRL OR BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED?"

There was a tense and confused silence before Pidge let out a noise of understanding fear. "Uhhhhhhh, oh, um, I can't. Hear you, Lance. You're - _krssh_ \- breaking up. Sorry - _krssh_ \- I'm gon - _krsssssh_ \- go. OKAYBYE!"

Pidge's lion swept off towards the castle in a green blur and Lance shot after it immediately, his three other teammates shouting at them to wait. He parked into the hangar, swung out of his seat and bolted right up to the main level, shirking off his armor as he ran. He swung around towards Pidge's hangar, sweeping around Coran who let out an ungodly shout and stumbled backwards.

Pidge was just exiting her hangar when Lance skidded just inside the doors. They stared at each other for a solid three seconds before she threw her helmet at him and dodged right around him as he let out a manly (so manly) yell and ducked the helmet. He swung around and chased after her. She swore as Coran settled himself directly in her way, probably about ready to commend her on her excellence sight as he was inclined to do so often.

Lance was never the subject of those commendations.

Not that it mattered.

He _wasn't_ jealous.

Coran let out a yell as Pidge shoved him out of the way and then yanked him right back into Lance, who spluttered and went down. Coran huffed and pushed up, glancing behind him.

"What was that-" He let out another yell as Lance pushed him away by his face. "My word! This is not behavior befitting of a paladin!"

Lance ignored that, kept running until Pidge was in full view and dove at her legs, catching her and swinging down. She shouted, hands catching on Rover Jr., who dutifully tried to drag her away from Lance's intense grip.

"Lance, get off!" Pidge demanded and he just tightened his grip because this was an important question and he needed his answer.

"Well, just tell me! Did you say no because you were a girl or no because you weren't interested?" he asked.

She flushed, the two of them still dragging along as Rover Jr. heaved on with all his robotic might. "That's- shut up!"

“Well?” Lance hissed.

“What does it matter?” Pidge snapped, trying to kick him off and wiggling viciously in vain. “GET OFF MY ASS!”

Lance leaned slightly away from her butt as instructed because he can be a dick but not like that. “Just answer the question! It’s a simple question!”

Pidge spluttered. Footsteps echoed down the hall, Shiro calling out to them. “Lance, _get off_.

“Answer. The _question_ ,” he hissed.

She flushed. “No!”

“C’mon,” he urged, tugging on her waist. She slipped straight off Rover Jr., faceplanting the ground. “Oops. Sorry.”

“Lance!” Shiro yelled, his footsteps growing louder and closer. “Pidge!”

“Because you were a girl or because you weren’t interested?” Lance hissed again but she ignored him, trying hard to drag herself away, pulling him along with her just as slow. “Pidge, please, just answer the question,” he added, a little softer and a little desperate.

She stopped, still and quiet just as Shiro jogged into view. “Girl,” she muttered and kicked at him again. “Get off.”

He did, but tugged her back before she could march off, eyes careful on Shiro who stopped and was watching them suspiciously. “Do you still wanna?”

She flushed and pulled away, spinning around on him. “ _What?_ ”

He felt his face heat up, pressed his hand to the back of his head and gazed studiously at the wall. Man, this was beginning to feel like when he first asked her. “Do you, Pidge, want to. Bang. With me. And- and Hunk.” And that was definitely what he’d said before. Word for word. Verbatim.

He pretended like he wasn’t flushing a fantastically bright red.

He must’ve looked the world’s ripest tomato.

She stared at him, face turning into an equally ripe tomato. “Uhhhhhhhhh.” Her eyes flickered and she gazed studiously at the ground. “Um, sure. Sounds good.”

“Okay.” He kept staring at the wall and she kept staring at the ground and they both stood there in tentative silence, embarrassed for no reason. And, God, he was Lance! A god among men. A shining star. Why the hell was asking to have sex so _fucking_ awkward? Even with Hunk! Who he’d been having sex with for last year and a half!

“Okay!” Pidge shouted suddenly and Lance jumped, startled backwards. “I’m gonna go!”

“O- okay,” he said, just a little frightened.

“Great!” She turned around and sped off, Rover Jr. zooming alongside her.

He watched her until she turned around the corner and disappeared out of view. Shiro glanced back at Lance and shifted slightly, about ready to move forward. Before Shiro could ask anything though, Lance gestured vaguely behind himself, stuttered… _something_ and then ran off.

* * *

 

With vague hand gestures and way too much blushing, he told Hunk about it, who smirked as he stepped out of the shower and into a pair of fresh pants.

Hunk pulled his shirt over his head, wet hair dripping down the back. “Ah, I’m sure Pidge is going to enjoy it. Don’t be nervous.”

“Nervous?” Lance spluttered. “I am _so_ not nervous. You’re probably more nervous than I am, which means you’re not because I’m not and _I’mnotnervous!_ ”

“Mmhmm,” Hunk hummed, kissing between Lance’s eyebrows. “Relax.”

“You know you’re gonna be there, right?” Lance mumbled, asking more for the confirmation that he wouldn’t be alone, struggling through another round of first times with someone he liked but didn’t know all that well.

“Of course. And I’ll teach her all my tricks,” Hunk mused, kissing down Lance’s neck. Instinctively, Lance relaxed into it, cocking his head off to the side. “And then you’ll have two people calling you a good boy.”

He shivered, shoving Hunk gently. “That means nothing to me,” he lied.

Hunk raised an eyebrow, bangs brushing past his face as he loomed over Lance, arms braced on both sides of his head, pinning him up against the wall. “Oh really?”

“Nnngh.” Lance bucked up against Hunk’s thigh. “Yeah, I’m _awful._ ” He struggled to shift out from under Hunk, wanted to jump on him, get closer. “Very – _hhaa,_ _bad_.”

“Nah,” Hunk said, leaning down and brushing his nose against Lance’s in an eskimo kiss. “I think you’re very-” A kiss to Lance’s neck, right on his Adam’s apple. “-very-” One more to his forehead. “- _good_.”

Lance shivered, moaning into Hunk’s mouth as he pressed into him, kissing him hard and long. Eagerly, Lance climbed Hunk, arms wrapped around his neck, legs looped around his waist, mindlessly humping him and rubbing their crotches together without thought. “ _Fuck me_.”

Hunk laughed into his mouth, pulling back and groaning as Lance littered biting kisses down his neck. “What- _fuck-_ ” He braced against the wall with one hand, the other already working into the back of Lance’s pants, fingers digging into his skin. “What about Pidge? Don’t wanna- _hnn-_ be too tired for her?”

“I have the refractory period of a fourteen year old,” Lance grumbled, biting at Hunk’s jaw. “Now _fuck me._ ”

Hunk laughed gently, shoving Lance hard against the wall, pinning him there. Bangs flopped over his eyes. One hand trailed up Lance’s chest and over his throat. The other gripped Lance’s side like a vise. Hunk cocked his head, mouth open slight in a slow grin that sent a spasm of need through Lance’s chest, and whispered, “ _Okay._ ”

* * *

 

 “Lance!”

Lance turned to Pidge, who was speedwalking up to him. Without any reason, he flushed. “Uh, hey!”

She grinned crookedly. “Um, yeah. Hey.” She fidgeted with her glasses. “I was just in my room and I was thinking about, you know.” Her voice dropped, eyes panicking from side to side. “ _The sex_.”

Lance let out a weird laugh and Pidge’s grin crooked a little happier.

“Yeah,” she said, word drawn out long. “So when I was thinking about… _the sex_ , I realized that I am biologically female and you are biologically male, so do you have…” Her voice pitched high and nervous. “… _the stuff?_ ”

“Stuff?”

Pidge swallowed. “Condoms, Lance. I’m talking about condoms.”

Lance paused. “Um, why?”

“Because I have the ability to get pregnant,” she said quickly and a little loudly and rushed and slightly way too high and nervous, “and you and Hunk have the ability to get me pregnant and condoms! Condoms will stop that.”

Lance nodded rapidly. “Right! Pregnancy. Oh.” He paused. “Shit. No, we don’t. We haven’t… used… _that_ since…” Well, pretty much since the first time they had fucked because the second time, Lance had pushed Hunk onto the bed and rode him eagerly and in his lust-filled haze, he hadn’t really considered a condom to be necessary.

Plus, the first (and last) time they'd used a condom, he hadn't really enjoyed the awkward feeling of the latex rubbing inside him. Besides, the weird squelching feeling of Hunk’s come in him was oddly nice and only achievable without a stupid condom.

“Okay,” Pidge said. She scratched the inside of her elbow, glancing up at the ceiling. “Uh, well, then, despite… how much I kinda wanna do… you know, _the sex_ , it’s probably best we do not do that because.” She paused for a long time. “I don’t- I don’t wanna get pregnant.”

“Right, right, right, that’s smart, that’s smart.” Lance licked his lips. “Alternatively, I could just go down on you.”

“Oh,” Pidge said faintly. The scratching hurried, dragging red, red lines up and down her forearm. “Well, I don’t really, for right now… in this- this current place and time, _want_ to…  to go down on anyone.”

Lance shrugged. “S’fine. I don’t like getting blowjobs and I don’t want anyone to be better than me at them with Hunk so we’re solid.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Really?”

“Yeah. They’re disgusting and feel weird and I don’t like getting them.”

“Oh.”

He raised an eye. “What?”

“It’s just.” She gave a short laugh. “I always pegged as you the type of person who’d definitely want to receive something if they gave anything at all.”

Offended, he gasped, hand to his chest. “What? How dare you? I am very giving.” At that moment, he glanced up and caught sight of stupid Keith. “KEITH! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? YOU’RE WEARING MY SHIRT!”

Keith shrugged. “Mine’s in the wash.”

“TAKE IT OFF! THAT’S MINE!”

Keith stared at Lance for a few seconds before turning around and walking off.

Lance gaped. “YOU BASTARD, _TAKEOFFMYSHIRT!_ ” He huffed angrily, shaking his head. Keith was so stupid. Such a butt. He ran a tentative hand through his hair, glancing back to Pidge, who looked like she was trying hard not to laugh. “Anyway, like I said. Very giving.”

“Totally,” she agreed, grinning low. “Very giving.”

“I feel like you’re being sarcastic,” Lance muttered. “But you’re hot so I’ll ignore it.”

She laughed and it was gorgeous. Lance grinned wide.

“Um, we could- we could see if maybe there’s some onboard though?” Pidge proposed, rolling back and forth on her heels. “Ask Coran.” Nervously, she began scratching her inner elbow again, glancing over at the wall. “Um, can’t imagine the other paladins weren’t all having sex. You know. Constantly.”

Gently, he laughed and snatched up her hands, tugging her into his chest to kiss the top of her head. “Good idea. Let’s ask.”

* * *

 

“Ah, yes! Paladins, what may I assist you with?” Coran chirped as flopped his damp rag into his bucket.

“Uhhhhh, well-”

“YOU KNOW HOW BABIES ARE MADE?” Pidge yelled.

Coran jerked while Pidge flushed bright red. “Well, I am _quite_ familiar in the art of love making for conception of new life, yes.” His face turned suspicious, eyes downcast and mustache somehow twitching on its own. “Why do you ask?”

“Um, see we were wondering if, you know, there was any Altean methods to avoiding. Baby-making. On the ship.” Lance snapped his fingers into fingerguns and then nodded rapidly. “Yeah.”

God, talking about sex was upsettingly embarrassing.

He blamed his parents.

Especially since he had three of them. Each of them gave him the sex talk and somehow assumed that the other two did not talk intensively about sex and various positions and literally about everything involving sex. If Hunk hadn’t been so damn attractive and sexual activity so damn pleasing, they could’ve managed to traumatized him to the point of never having sex ever in his life.

In that moment, he was only slightly glad they didn’t manage it, clutching Pidge’s sweaty hand in his.

Coran frowned, twisting up his mustache. “Well, us Alteans believe in sexual activity for reproduction, though engaging for personal satisfaction was not uncommon. Still, we did not actively partake in attempts to avoid conception, mostly due to the fact Altean women contain the innate ability to decide on carrying children or not. Their bodies do not allow conception if they do not innately wish it.” He glanced down at Pidge. “Do human women not have that ability?”

“No. No, we don’t,” she said faintly. “Be way easier if we did though.”

“Mm,” Lance agreed. Wouldn’t even have to be asking Coran about condoms and feeling totally embarrassed for no reason. “So then. No. To the- to the condoms? The avoiding pregnancy stuff?”

“Yes. No.” Coran narrowed his eyes. “Besides, I don’t think it best to have any of you engage in sexual activity while we attempt to take down the Galra and Zarkon. You might lose your focus on important missions.”

“No!” Pidge shouted, dropping Lance’s hand and shoving him away without ever moving her gaze from Coran’s face. “We weren’t- we just wanted to know why- how- about- about Altean culture! Okay? We’re not having sex!”

“Yeah, sex with Pidge?” Lance laughed loud and obnoxiously and wondered vaguely if it seemed too fake. “She’s like a brother to me.” Pidge gave him a look. “Sister.” Her look continued. “Sibling?” She nodded rapidly and he nodded with her, mentally filing that away. “She’s like a sibling to me. Humans don’t have sex with their siblings. That’s disgusting.”

“And illegal!” Pidge pointed out, prodding Coran in the chest. With intense seriousness, she prodded him twice more. “ _Very_ illegal.”

Her eyes were narrowed, voice deep, face dangerous and Lance was slightly and heavily turned on by it.

“Right,” he said, choking down a strangled sound. “So, um, curious question. Unrelated. What- where. Uh, how would we go about getting. Baby avoiding stuff? You know.” He paused for a while before saying, “Condoms.”

Twisting his mustache thoughtfully, Coran paused for a few second before clapping once and loud. “We are making a stop at a trading planet for supplies. There is no doubt that there would be some of your… _condoms_ on this planet. But once again, I must say that I do not think any sexual activity aboard the castle is a good idea. Not while we must enforce focus on defeating the Galra.”

“Lance is a brother to me!” Pidge shouted. She slapped Coran. “How dare you insinuate I have sex with my brother!”

There was a tense bubble of seconds, Coran looking highly alarmed, Pidge looking way too panicked, and then Lance slapped Coran too.

“Yeah. Be cool, Coran. Sex with your siblings is morally wrong. God.” Lance grabbed the back of Pidge’s collar and pulled her away with him. “Goodbye.”

Lance decided it best not to mention that he’d technically had pseudo-sex with like three of his siblings. Well, they weren’t _really_ his siblings, they were his Aunt Lana’s triplets but his Aunt Lana wasn’t his aunt by blood. She was really just his mama’s best friend who lived with them and his seven million other relatives that weren’t really his relatives but just really good friends that his parents and Uncle Ken coerced into moving in with them on the benefit of communal living and pie.

God, his family was weird.

When they were out of range of Coran’s confused gaze, Pidge covered her face and moaned before dragging her fingertips down her face. “Well. That was horrible.”

“Yeah.” Lance took a deep breath. “You wanna makeout in my room?”

“Yes, that sounds fun.” She grabbed his hand. “Let’s go.”

* * *

 

The nearest trading planet was a few days away and Allura spent most of her time teaching all of them the proper etiquette to go about it. Basically, it was a barter system. Which is why before they left the previous planet, she had made them go around and take bushels and bunches of flowers and weird red fruit that smelled like cherry mint and made Lance pass out when he licked it.

Besides the plants, she also made sure they understood that Earth, while not unknown to the galaxy, had never really been touched by alien life and therefore their intensive knowledge of human culture and life could come in handy.

“However,” she had begun, eying Lance hard enough to make him internally squirm and externally raise his eyebrows flirtily, “trading planets, while not controllable, are not neutral territory and word travels fast amongst them. Do not let anyone know that you, yourself, are human. The only humans to have graced this quadrant of the galaxy are the paladins of Voltron and, by now, all intelligent life is aware of that. Someone will alert the Galra. Right now, we cannot afford that so keep your knowledge small and specific amongst different traders.”

Beside him, Pidge had shifted, tense. Which made sense. Her brother and father were still in this quadrat of the galaxy. So Allura was wrong. The only humans to have graced this quadrant were the paladins of Voltron and the two unlucky prisoners of the Galra.

The Galra. Angrily, Lance had huffed at the name. After liberating multiple planets, Zarkon had decided that once word broke out about Voltron forming anywhere, he was going to send nearly half his stupid army to them. And his stupid army travelled ridiculously fast.

It was easy, in the beginning, to fight off the Galra. Mostly because they were dumb and there were almost always only a couple ships to battle.

A fleet of ships was a different matter altogether.

Ten fleets of ships with super intelligent officers just sucked ass and Lance definitely had drawn a crude picture of Zarkon and his stupid face after a particular exhausting and death-defying stunt with the stupid Galra that he had taped it to a bag to punch really hard during training.

They left Hunk and Allura on the ship, going down to the trading planet via a pod that the castle had. The castle was technically locked down on a whole other planet, hidden deep in a forest to avoid detection. Lance swallowed as he watched the planet grow faint and blurry.

“He’ll be fine,” Pidge murmured quietly, low enough that the three behind them couldn’t hear her.

The lovely thing about having waited two weeks to reach the trading planet of Greem and being so intensely focused on that destination was that they managed to spend a grand total of fourteen days without being called out to fight in the name of justice.

Which basically meant that whenever they weren’t training or testing castle defenses or doing whatever else, he and Pidge made out on his bed or Pidge’s bed or Hunk’s bed. Sometimes Pidge made out with Hunk while Lance watched, usually tied to the headboard with Hunk’s headband. Sometimes Lance just made out with Hunk while Pidge watched and whispered dirty things in his ear.

They did try a threeway kiss but it didn’t work out well.

Still managed to give him a raging boner though. But that may have been caused by a combination of being tied up and having Pidge murmur about how much she wanted to ride him and make him beg.

The closest she’d gotten to _that_ with him was when she simultaneously jacked him off and fingered him until he cried. But it was a manly crying. From pleasure. Manly pleasure.

So manly.

Anyway.

She wound their fingers together and tugged. “Relax.”

He tried.

It didn’t work.

“What if something happens?” he mumbled.

“Remember when we were training at the Garrison?” she said. “And those idiots from down the hall tried to prank us? And Hunk knocked all four of them out with no help from either one of us?” She squeezed his hand reassuringly. “He’s big. He’s strong. He’s smart. And he has Allura. He’ll be fine.”

Lance snorted. He remembered that little ordeal. It’d been entirely hilarious. _And_ an extremely attractive display of Hunk’s impressive strength. Though the resulting disciplinary action had been hell. Three weeks of cleaning all of the engineers’ greasy tools and wiping down the simulators at the end of the day.

Ugh.

“I know, I know.” He swallowed and rolled on his heels. “Just get in, get our shit, get out and then-” He made a crude gesture with his fingers that had Pidge choking on a laugh.

Shiro glanced at the two of them. “Everything okay, you two?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” Pidge swatted Lance’s side but grinned nice and wide.

Lance’s heart fluttered in his chest. Something in him went winded, blanked for a moment, and then he grinned, loose and easy, back, sneaking a quick kiss while the three behind them were distracted by landing the pod.

Whoever said three was a crowd, was a fucking idiot.

* * *

 

Keith, the independent hobo recluse, went off on his own, vanishing almost the moment Coran had handed him his section of the list. Pidge and Lance, of course, were going off together while Coran stuck with Shiro, who had gone tense and edgy after catching sight of a couple Galra soldiers walking past. They’d all agreed to meet back at the pod after an hour.

Pidge and Lance left, leaving Coran whispering soothing words as he slung an arm over Shiro’s shoulders and tugged him in the direction opposite the soldiers.

Somehow Lance doubted that the rest of them were going to avoid developing PTSD as well, once this fight was well and done, the Galra no longer commanding control of the universe and Zarkon dead or imprisoned.

With the amount of violence he was inflicting on a day to day basis, it was beginning to seem like killing him was going to be their only option. A chill slithered down Lance’s spine at the thought. Which one of them would it be? Allura, avenging her father and her planet? Coran, avenging his comrade and his planet? Shiro, getting revenge for his kidnap and torture? Keith, getting back at Zarkon for defeating him before? Hunk, shoving away his kindness just to save the world? Pidge, avenging her kidnapped and tortured family? Or Lance?

Would it be Lance? No. Only if everyone else had been defeated. But what if-

He felt cold.

What if they did? What if they all died and he was left alone to mourn and kill Zarkon?

Hunk’s dead body, splattered with blood and cut open like a turkey on Thanksgiving, slammed full frontal into his mind and he went still. Frozen. With that image planted firm in his mind. Dead.

Dead.

Was he breathing?

Did it matter?

Everyone was _dead_. He was alone in space, no way to get home, no understanding of how to get home. And everyone was dead.

He didn’t want to be alone.

Something was pounding hard. Hammering. Screaming. Sobbing.

“Lance? Lance!” Pidge snapped, flicking at his ear.

Suddenly aware of everything, he tensed further. Too many people. Suffocating. His heart was beating all too fast. Was he breathing? No. He couldn’t taste the air. Something warm, too warm, very warm, touched him. Pidge. Pidge was beside him. It was loud. Why was it so loud? Bright. Shining. Someone calling out. Loud. Warm. He couldn’t breathe. Pidge was. She was. She was talking. Pulling. Things went quieter, muted. Shadows ducked. Blanked his vision out.

She pushed him down, sitting beside him until the panic passed, sloughing out of him like a weird wave of fuzz.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Sorry. I was just.” He took a breath. Felt it pass through him, clear and clean and somewhat minty. “I was just thinking.”

“Don’t,” Pidge muttered, squeezing his wrist. “I don’t like it when you think.”

He laughed, low and fractured, rubbing away the welling tears in his eyes. “What’s first?”

“We can wait a bit, if you want,” she said, dropping her head onto his shoulder. “I think you need to breathe anyway.”

He nodded once. And they waited another couple of minutes for the hammering in his chest to slow to a steady thrum before they got back up and began to meander around the marketplace.

Lance wasn’t- wasn’t prone to panic attacks. Not often anyway. But when they did, it was generally because he overthought everything. All the time.

The first time he’d had one in front of Hunk, Hunk had swallowed him into a thick hug, kissed his brow and then sat and played something calming on his ukulele until Lance dropped to his knees and cried. The first one he’d had in front of Pidge was four days into the whole “saving the universe” thing and she had panicked, thought he’d been poisoned and forced him to vomit “the poison” while yelling for Hunk and shaking Lance rapidly.

If anything, she’d made it worse.

But Hunk smoothed everything out, cleaned up the vomit and pet Lance’s hair until Lance’d relaxed like pudding.

Now she followed Hunk’s rules, took Lance to a quiet, dim and secluded place. She let him breathe.

Still, her hands shook when she took hold of him and she fidgeted until he’d snapped out of it, internally panicking. It was nice that she worried, nice that she cared even before she finally got to know him as a person and not just a teammate.

Thinking that, he ducked down and kissed her.

She blinked, a little dazed when he pulled back. An eyebrow raised. “What was that for?”

“What? Not allowed to smooch his girlfriend without asking first?” He grinned.

“Mmm, girlfriend?”

“Right, right.” He thought about it, grabbing a bunch of Queorks and placing them in the center of the table. “Datemate.”

“So… we’re dating?”

He paused, glancing away from the mice feed he was collecting. “Do you not want to?”

“No, I just… assumed it was just…” She gestured in a circle, a bag of green nuts in her left hand. “Sex.”

“Sex is good. But-” He checked the list and dropped a bag of fish onto his pile of things. “-I like romance, surprisingly enough. And so does Hunk.”

“Huh.” She hipchecked him. “Okay. Datemate then.” Smirking, he swooped back down and kissed her cheek hard and sloppy. She shoved him away, laughing. “Nope. Changed my mind. Just sex.”

He shrugged, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “Okay.” The large slug-like being eyed what he had placed in front of her, dropping her needles to her side. Lance gestured broadly. “In exchange for these items, we offer this lovely bag of Crenin nuts.”

“Snipa ya hae,” the slug being countered. “’N two a them Yelz yuse got.”

“The bag and four of the Yelz,” Pidge said, planting her hands firm on the table.

The alien snorted, lifting their knitting needles back to their facial area, the vine-like thread blooming green. “Naw deal.”

“What if I told you something about those humans running around?”

The slug-being stiffened, glancing away from their knitting, the vines turning brown. “Deal.”

Pidge grinned wide and launched into a short explanation about Christmas and how it began. Meanwhile, Lance handed the slug-being the bag of Crenin nuts and four of the Yelz and started packaging up their items in the spare bag.

The slug-being was entranced by Pidge’s story, asking nosy questions that let Pidge snag four more bags of mice feed without revealing too much. There was a brief stumbling point when the slug-being asked how Pidge knew this Christmas thing about humans, but they smoothed over it easy, Lance swooping in to claim they’d met the humans on a planet far out of the system, describing in clear detail what these “retched” humans looked like, keeping their eyes downcast, bodies half-tilted to the sun.

Once Lance was finished with the packing, Pidge finished up. They thanked the alien and went off in search of more things on the list, worming around vendors, customers and stores with swift ease.

Then Pidge shot her pale arm in front of Lance’s chest. “Lance.”

“What?”

She pointed. He looked.

An alien, one of a species that evidently didn’t care for clothing, was talking loudly to their companion about not wanting more children while fitting something around their… thing. And also in the display window, there were a bunch of items that were obviously dildos.

So… that kinda helped too.

“Condoms,” Lance whispered.

Pidge slapped his chest and then pointed forward. “Get that, get the rest of the crap, go back to the castle and then I’m finally gonna bang your brains out.”

“Yeah!” Lance paused, mid fistbump. “Wait, haven’t you already been doing that?”

“Yep!” Her eyes narrowed. “Let’s go.”

While Lance dropped his arm, she marched off, tiny frame reeking with determination.

Lance was so into her, it was ridiculous.

Stepping into the store was amazing. Mostly because it smelled so clean that the stench of sweating aliens flushed right out of Lance’s head and because it was so cool that the sudden change from the heat of the outdoors made Lance sneeze multiple times. Pidge furiously wiped the fog off her glasses.

“Hullo,” the alien at the counter called out. His skin was leathery, wrinkled and gray, voice deep, tusks rolling out from the edge of his mouth. He was huge. He almost reminded Lance of an elephant. He also looked identical to the Iriz, both the name of the planet and the aliens that Voltron had rescued months ago.

“Hi,” Pidge said, slumping at the counter. “Do you carrying stuff to avoid making the babies?”

“Yes, I do carry-” The alien made a brash and screeching sound. “One moment.” His tail slung out from behind him, snagging a box from a shelf. It tumbled in front of Pidge just as Lance slid up next to her. “Just the one box?”

“Well. Um.” Pidge pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “How- how many. How many come in a box?”

“Thirty. As is standard.”

“Right, can we have seven boxes then?”

Lance looked at her, slightly terrified but also really turned on. “Seven?”

She nodded and pat his ass. “Seven boxes.”

The Iriz nodded. “Let me explain how they work.” He dug around a drawer, pulling out a metal ring. “First you apply this to the very base of your-” Another harsh sound, accompanied by him pulling it over his thick finger. “It will automatically dress and cover your-” The same harsh sound just as a clear rubber snapped out of the metal and covered his finger. “Once your act has been completed, you may simply remove and dispose of it.” He slid the ring off and chucked it behind him. “They have a one hundred percent success rate and do not expire.”

“Cool,” Pidge said. She pushed over three bags of Cernin nuts. “Three bags of Cernin nuts for seven boxes.”

The Iriz honked loudly, a weird laughing tick they all seemed to have. “I would much rather have you tell me about your biological structure.” A notebook slapped down on the counter, his tail plucking up a thin stick. “I’ve never met humans before.”

“What?” Pidge said, her face going pale.

“We’re not human.” Lance laughed. The tone was so obviously false, it made him stop and swallow in trepidation. Stupid obvious fear. “What in the world gave you that really dumb, very stupid and not at all plausible idea?”

The Iriz pointed. They looked. Outside the window, in clearest view, was a pole. Stamped to that pole was a wanted sign with all seven of their faces: Hunk, Lance, Pidge, Keith and Shiro. Below the paladins’ faces were the words “DANGEROUS HUMANS” and contact information. Under each of their faces were their individual values for capture, dead or alive.

The tiny part of Lance that wasn’t screeching in fear was extremely pissed off that Keith was somehow worth more than him.

Another part of him sourly pointed out that Hunk was worth significantly less than any of them, which made no sense. He was huge, stronger than a fucking rhino and could probably tear off a man’s head with only one hand if he got pissed enough.

Obviously, the Galra were fucking morons.

Lance cleared his throat.

Then pulled out his rifle and pointed it at the Iriz. “So we’re gonna leave and you’re gonna forget we were ever here.” He dragged his rifle at the box and then back up to the Iriz. “Also we’re gonna take the box.”

The Iriz honked again, waving his hands. “No, no. I do not want to _harm_ you. I thank you. You saved my planet and my family. In fact-” He turned around, heaving over and rummaging. Mumbling words muttered out of his mouth. Lance kept his rifle trained on his back. The Iriz whirled back up, holding… _hats_. “My wife and young ones wished me to gift these to you, should I cross your paths.”

“Oh.” Lance tensed even more, sure this was some kind of trap. Beside him, Pidge pulled out a Cernin nut from the bag and threw it at the hats.

Nothing happened.

She threw two more.

They rolled off the hats, off the counter and onto the floor. The hats remained as hats. The Iriz had the nerve to look amused.

“Okay,” Pidge said, tentatively touching a hat. When it didn’t explode or shoot her, she picked it up and examined it. It looked like a baseball cap, woven with blackish thread and one of the tough and sturdy leaves the Iriz used for building. On the front was the Nike logo. “What do you want to know?”

“I have always been fascinated with reproduction,” the Iriz confessed shamelessly. His tail snatched a few more boxes off the shelves. “How does it work between humans?”

 “Well,” Pidge began, scratching her neck. “It’s kinda complicated.”

“Explain as much as you can,” the Iriz insisted, his thin stick posed above his notebook.

And so Pidge proceeded to launch into a concise but detailed description about the complicated process that was reproduction between humans, sparing a few sentences to explain to the confused Iriz why it was the females that both gave birth and fed milk to their young and how all the males had to do was show up and provide sperm.

While she was doing that, Lance pulled on another baseball hat, this one with a New York swirl on it, piled the rest of the hats into their bags and inspected the… _toys_ on the display window. He guessed he was pretty lucky that there were some species, like the Alteans, that had relatively human features, because at the end of her little speech, Pidge pointed at the display and, without a smidge of shame, offered an explanation about how humans of the same sex smooshed booties so as long as she got to take home a couple of toys off the window.

The Iriz glanced at Lance, stifling a laugh, and accepted.

Lance considered shooting himself with his rifle. Or, at the very least, grabbing Pidge and just leaving. As though reading his thoughts, she just smirked at him, winked and made a crude gesture with her hands while the Iriz searched for a new notebook.

Lance pretended he wasn’t severely turned on.

It didn’t work.

He looked for a toy.

* * *

 

“Why are you wearing a hat?” Keith asked.

Lance pointed at yet another wanted poster with their faces on it.

Keith swore.

Lance put a cowboy hat on Keith’s head and walked off towards the pod.

Behind him, Pidge snorted and said, in a really, _really_ awful cowboy voice, “Giddyup, pardner. It’s time ta hightail it outta hea.”

* * *

 

“We’re back!” Coran yelled, causing the mice to squawk, Hunk to jump and Allura to punch right through a wall.

Jesus Christ, why was everyone around Lance so _fucking_ strong? Even Pidge had managed to kick open a vent without even removing the screws or slashing it open first.

“Oh good!” Allura hummed, swinging her arms around Coran’s neck and squeezing him tight. She glanced up at the rest of them, pulling away. “Did you get all that we needed?”

“Yeah!” Lance grinned cheekily and murmured, “And then some.”

Pidge snorted and fiddled with her glasses. “Yeah, so, uh, Lance and I will just take the food n’ stuff to the kitchen and you guys can just.” She gestured vaguely to them all then grabbed Lance’s wrist and ran off.

Lance couldn’t help the yelping laugh that rolled out of him as she yanked him down the hallway to the kitchen. When they stumbled into the kitchen, Pidge smirked and swatted his chest. “Shut up.” She snatched the boxes of space condoms from their bags and shoved them into his chest. “Hide these. Now. Go.”

He nodded rapidly, turning around, doubling back, kissing her cheek and then heading out the door. In the small moment before the opening molded into wall, he caught sight of her surprised face, a cute blush spreading up her cheeks, light grin toying at the edge of her mouth.

Sharp want stabbed his lower abdomen and he grinned wide, skidding down another hallway and towards his room.

* * *

 

“Hey.”

Pidge grinned, leaning against the doorway and making the shifty eyes. “Hey.”

Behind her, Hunk was stifling a laugh. “Let us in?”

“Right!” Lance said, stepping out of the way.

Pidge walked in, glancing around curiously as she did every time she came in, like suddenly there’d be a change or she’d noticed something new about the walls. Pining him up against the door, Lance shoved himself into Hunk’s space and kissed him hard.

“Just finished showering?” Hunk murmured when Lance finally pulled away.

In response, Lance smirked and shook his wet hair like a dog. Hunk laughed, slapping Lance’s bare side and shoving him away and towards Pidge. He brandished his arms out at her.

“Let’s begin.”

She smirked. Stepped close, grinning cheekily. Lance’s heart thrummed fast, her fingertips slowly dragging up the skin of his arms. She leaned up into him and he leaned down to her, eyes fluttering shut.

And then the air ran right past his head as everything swooped out from under him.

Adrenaline snapped like a bullet into his veins. He hit his bed, eyes flashing open. He breathed and shot up. Which did nothing. Because she grabbed at his arms, snapped them against his back and shoved him face down in one fluid motion.

He may have gotten a little hard from it.

Pidge licked the edge of his ear. “Hunk said you liked displays of strength.”

“I did say that!” Hunk called out. The sound of his pants hitting the floor, belt thunking loudly, went straight to Lance’s cock. “But I did not tell her to flip you!”

“I think he liked it,” Pidge said to Hunk, a little laugh on the edge of her words. She squeezed Lance’s wrists. “You good?”

“Ye-yeah. M’fine.” He squirmed.

Her breath flushed hot against his ear. “You want me to let go?”

“Um.” He swallowed. “I don- I wa-” He let of a huff of breath, swallowing thickly again. “Tie me up?”

She kissed his cheek, short and quick. “Okay.”

Tight heat vanished from his wrists. He shifted, pulling up and trying to knock the weird kink that had developed in his lower thigh.

With relative ease, Pidge completely ignored the fact that he was going to turn around himself, yanked him around, shoved him back and pinned his arms above his head while she sat herself on his crotch and grinned down at him.

He may have been extremely hard at this point.

No.

He definitely was.

Extremely hard and extremely turned on and extremely brain-fogged by Pidge’s whole being.

She didn’t look away from his face as she reached out with one hand. “Hunk, can I have- Thanks.”

Kneeling beside the bed, Hunk was grinning at Lance, his bangs flopping over his eyes. Pidge tied Lance’s wrists the headboard with Hunk’s hair tie.

“How are you?” Hunk murmured, poking at Lance’s cheek.

Lance swallowed and glanced at him. “I don’t believe that she’s a virgin anymore.” He swallowed thickly, flexing his fingers. “I’m pretty sure she lied.”

Pidge snorted. Hunk rolled his eyes. “Well, if you’d read her diary like I did, you’d have known that she’s just really, _really_ fucking kinky.”

Pidge laughed low. She ducked her head and laughed into her palms while Lance shivered, Hunk’s fingers trailing up his bare side. When she was finished, the last bubble of her laugh hiccupping into the air, she pulled her hands away from her face, smirking wide. Then she licked her lips, eyes flashing up and down Lance’s chest. Her hips rolled firmly against his straining erection.

Lance whimpered. “Hunk, am I gonna die?”

Hunk patted his shoulder. “Yes.”

Pidge snorted, squeezing Lance’s side. “Shut up. You’re gonna be fine.”

“She’s gonna kill you with sex, Lance,” Hunk fake-whispered. He kissed the top of Lance’s head. “Gonna go get the condoms.” He pushed away, groaning as he stood up. “Remember, foreplay is your friend!”

“Mmm,” Pidge agreed. She leaned over Lance, fingers wrapping around his wrists. “Change of plans, Lance.” She rolled her hips again and he whined. “I think you’re gonna die.”

“Ngh, Pi-pidge,” he mumbled, trying to arch up into her but her knees were tightly locked around his waist, keeping him pinned.

“Stay still,” she mumbled, kissing down his neck. He swallowed and tried his best to stay frozen. She grinned against his throat. “Good boy.”

He immediately squirmed underneath her, whining.

God, he needed to get that praise thing under control. It’d been a freaking year and he still got extremely flushed and turned on by being _good_ and _nice_ and _so perfect for me, Lance, such a good boy_.

The bed dipped and Pidge swore violently. The back of Hunk’s hand was pressed against Lance, his palm rubbing against Pidge.

She bit Lance’s shoulder.

He swore.

Her eyes were lidded when she pulled away from him, nails digging crescent shapes into his skin. Teeth worried at the edge of her lip. Slowly, she pulled all the way up, rocking needlessly against Hunk’s palm, head hung, hands gripping Lance’s sides like a vise.

Then Hunk slipped his hand out from under her, leaning in to murmur something in her ear. She went still. Her hands loosened on Lance’s sides and she nodded slowly.

“Yeah,” she muttered.  Clumsily, she clambored off of Lance’s waist. “Let’s- let’s do that, yeah.”

Hunk was smirking widely, Pidge at his side, yanking off her shirt and stumbling out of the rest of her clothes. Lance squirmed, wondering vaguely if he was flexible enough to twist his legs over and hump the bed.

Hunk spread a hand over the expanse of Lance’s stomach. “Stay still. Be good.”

Lance flushed and swore, kicking at him. “ _Stahp_.”

“No,” Hunk laugh, wrestling Lance’s legs down. His fingers teased the skin around the edge of Lance’s pants. “You know what?”

“What?”

“I think.” Hunk slowly slid Lance’s pants down. “That when she’s done with you, I’m gonna fuck you ‘till you scream.” He blew lightly on Lance’s cock.

Lance shuddered violently and came.

Look, it wasn’t his fault the two people he was dating were total teases and made him horny enough to come on a freaking breeze. That was just what the space gods intended.

To surround him with amazing people that fogged his brain so thoroughly he couldn’t _breathe_.

Stupid space gods.

He swallowed lightly, the fog of sex still lingering in his head with Hunk’s warm hand running slow and heavy on his thighs. The rest of his giant boyfriend was pressed lightly against his side, nose nuzzling his lower jaw. His arms flumped to his sides.

Shifting up so his back was pressed firmly against the headboard, the coolness sinking into his skin and helping him snap out of it a little more, he swallowed thickly again. Everything was so hazy. Was the world swimming? Yeah, the world was swimming around him, fuzzy as fuck and really good.

So good.

Great.

Hunk was so fucking awesome.

“Talkin’ outloud, Lance,” Hunk murmured against his waist.

“Yeah, shut up and lick me,” Pidge snapped, climbing back onto the bed. She tugged the back of Lance’s head down with her, flopping onto her back.

He flopped into her stomach. She let out a groan, squirming up until he was face forward into her crotch. She was wet. Just a little bit and shining just a little bit in the low light. He blinked rapidly and licked her. Her knees locked around his head, fingers fisting his hair.

His whole body turned to jelly.

She tasted sweet and he dragged his tongue against her folds, felt her legs quiver against him. Someone, might’ve been Hunk, he wasn’t really paying attention, said something about pulling hair and Pidge laughed. She yanked on his hair. The tug sent shivers down his spine.

He jumped when something wet circled him.

Hunk patted his lower back, murmuring low as he slid two fingers right in, crooking them at just the right angle to jab directly into Lance’s prostate. Lance shouted, heard Pidge moan, and whined against her clit.

“F-fu _ck_ _me_ ,” he groaned.

Hunk just laughed as Pidge yanked on his hair again.

“Pidge first,” Hunk chuckled, fucking quickly into him with four fingers.

Pidge hissed, “ _Yes_ ,” and pulled Lance away. Hunk hummed, throwing her a metal ring while he held Lance in place.

Lance was just fucking fidgeting.

At some point, he’d gotten hard again. The rational part of his brain was insisting it was probably around the time Hunk started prodding his prostate since there was a definite connection between his prostate and his penis.

The logical part of his brain slapped the rational part and pointed out that literally nothing got Lance hornier than being manhandled so it was probably Pidge again.

Pidge, who was clamping the metal ring around the base of his cock. Like the alien storeowner had demonstrated before, clear rubber snapped out of the ring and covered the entirety of his cock. His shivered, Hunk pulling away from his back as Pidge slung her legs around his waist, pretty much brimming with an intense aura of _Fuck me now or I will gut you_.

Lance heaved her hips up and began sliding in.

She was warm. Tight. Hot. Squirming.

Hunk kissed the back of his neck. “You okay there, Lance?”

Lance swallowed and nodded. “It’s warmer than I thought.”

“Good?” Pidge panted below him.

“good. Very-” His breath hitched as Pidge tugged on his waist with her legs, pushing him in just a little bit more. “ _Very good_.”

“Feels nice,” Pidge murmured, a little dreamy. “Little weird.”

“Yeah,” Lance agreed. He shifted then blinked rapidly. “ _Uh_. You get used to it.”

“Mmm.” She prodded his stomach. “You can move.”

“You- you sure?”

She nodded.

He swallowed.

And moved.

He couldn’t really feel how wet she was around him but she was slick against his thighs. And _warm_. Like _so_ warm. He felt slicked by his own come, felt warm with Pidge around him and Hunk pressed up against his back, murmuring him through it.

Fog filtered back through his brain as he slid in and out a little faster, Pidge urging him along with thinly veiled threats. Hunk reached around Lance to thumb at her clit and she moaned, swearing loudly.

She was so loud.

Lance moved faster, weirdly spurred on by it. He latched onto a steady pace, heaving back and forth. Something in his gut told him that he was going a little too slowly.

Also Pidge.

“Will _you move faster_?” Pidge hissed. “Doesn’t really hurt.”

He stopped. “It hurts?”

She slapped his side. “ _Move_.” He moved again. She knocked him with her knee. “You can move faster.”

“I think if I do that I will explode and die,” Lance muttered.

Hunk snorted and Pidge just burst into laughter, giggling rapidly. Lance frowned. She knocked him with her knee again, giggling. He moved just a tad bit faster, swatting Hunk’s hand away and rubbing at her hurriedly with the base of his palm.

She groaned, rocking back into him. Then she seized up, slapping both hands on his and pressing his hand firmly to her clit. A choked moan shuddered out of her.

Lance swallowed thickly, Hunk murmuring, “Wait, wait, wait.”

By the sheer force of his desire to please the fuck out of Hunk, he waited. It was slowly killing him.

But _he waited_.

Pidge relaxed, like pudding into the sheets. “ _Shhhyeeah_.”

Lance slowly pulled out of her, sinking into Hunk’s arms. “Hunk? _Please_.”

“Deep breaths, Lance.”

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “ _Wanna come_.”

Pidge hummed. “C’mere.”

She tugged him into her, Hunk helping her roll Lance around so his back was to her chest. While Hunk slid into Lance, she fit her chin on the crook of his neck. Lance’s breath hitched and she snatched his hands before he could reach out and grab at Hunk. She pulled his arms back.

“Change of plans,” Lance muttered, eyes clamping shut as Hunk still, balls deep. “You’re both gonna kill me.”

Pidge just laughed. Hunk slapped his thigh playfully.

“Stupid space gods,” Lance grumbled.

“What does that mean?” Pidge murmured.

He was going to answer.

Then Hunk moved and his brain shut down.

Instinctively Lance arched into it, shouting. Hunk gripped his waist, yanking him back. He was clearly holding tight to his promise to fuck Lance until he screamed.

Lance was going to fucking die.

Pidge had her hand wrapped around him, stroking at a slow pace. Hunk, on the other hand, was ramming into him like a _machine_.

Lance was yelling. Yelling noise. At first, it used to be words but the ability to think vanished, everything clouding around him like a haze. He couldn’t breathe, choking. Pidge whispered dirty things in his ears that he couldn’t comprehend because he couldn’t _think_ , couldn’t _breathe_ , couldn’t see, everything flashing white and blue and red and red and Hunk was warm and hot and heavy and pounding into deep and hard and Pidge flicked her wrist, snapping a cord in his chest while Hunk slammed into him once more and then Lance was just gone.

He was gone.

And somewhere the stupid space gods were calling out to him.

“Lance?”

He blinked.

“Lance?”

“Spahce gahd?” he slurred.

“Does he always break like this when you fuck him?”

“Sometimes.”

What were the space gods talking about?

“Lance,” one of them said firmly and something patted his cheek repeatedly. “Kinda need you to tlak to me, buddy.”

Lance squinted. The space god was staring at him. They kind of looked like Hunk. “Hunk?”

“Yeah.” Hunk, the space god, patted his face again. “You there?”

“When did you become a space god?”

Hunk snorted. “Drink this for me?”

“Okay.” Lance blindly reached out for a cup, seeing it but for some reason he just couldn’t grab it.

“Lance, you have to move your arms,” the other space god said. Lance glanced behind him. Pidge was watching him. She gave a quiet wave. “How are you?”

Lance just stared at her. Was everyone a space god now?

“Help him up for me,” Hunk grunted.

Space god Pidge pushed him up and he fell into something warm and solid. He blinked rapidly. As something cool pressed to his mouth, the fog began to clear. He swallowed, downing the glass of water. Behind him, Pidge stroked his back. He sighed against Hunk’s pecs.

“Space gods?” he mumbled.

“Yes,” Pidge said seriously as Hunk laughed.

“I think you blacked out again,” Hunk said.

“Stupid sensitive body,” Lance muttered.

Pidge giggled and kissed his cheek. “By the way, when I fuck you, you're getting gagged.”

Lance blinked wearily. “Okay.”

“No, seriously, you are so fucking loud.”

“Okay.”

Pidge shifted beside him, slinging her leg around his waist as Hunk rolled over, keeping Lance tucked into his chest. “So loud,” she muttered against his back.

He inhaled deeply, feeling her breathe against his neck and Hunk stroke his hair. Everything was calm. Everything was settled. There was a slow exhaustion clinging deep to his muscles and bones. The lights were fading out and everything was warm.

He exhaled slowly.

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Personal opinion, but Pidge is the dirtiest fucker in the world and literally no one will ever stop me from thinking that. ALSO THIS FUCKING KILLED ME TO PRODUCE SO???
> 
> Also the Iriz have a reproductive system wherein the males carry the young (like seahorses, except not in a pouch) and the hormonal change in the male trips the mated female, causing them to start to produce milk. They also give birth to between three and six babies.
> 
> On Iriz it's so inhumanely hot/bright that when they landed, Lance complained about needing a hat and then drew some pretty decent pictures of various hats for the inhabitants because the Iriz have skin so tough, they barely register the sun's heat so they've never needed hats. They still don't but they found the idea and look of a hat so appealing, they're now constructing them for fashion purposes. And also to sell to tourists.
> 
> Also trading planets have table vendors but are mostly made up of stores. Table vendors generally linger for a couple days and then go back to their own planets while storeowners stay for much longer. As you can tell, I REALLY OVERTHOUGHT THIS SMUT FIC.
> 
> Anyway, stay tuned for when I finally get around to writing and posting the foursome with Keith! Hahahahahah, I'm gonna fucking die bc this almost killed me.


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